Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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