i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
