it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
