I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
