Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Shitshow foam night was such a success
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
