Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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