You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I could fuck to npr.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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