ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
