1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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