Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You're like the curious george of whores
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
