i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
