I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
