My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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