i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
