Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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