Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
