my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
