if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
