If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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