ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
