how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
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She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
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My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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