Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
