I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
