I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize