my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
