did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
