I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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