I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
