I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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