I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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