Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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