just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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