update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
