I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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