If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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