Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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