remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
