I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
