Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
