I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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