do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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