Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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