Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
