She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
