I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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