Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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