last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize