Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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