The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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