I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
