Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Randomize
