Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
