All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
