do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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