apparently the secret to your success is patron
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
love makes seman taste better
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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