it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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