I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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