they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
me + whiskey = a bad person
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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