I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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