Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
