I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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