Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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