She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
