Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
