I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Randomize
